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Simply Bad: I Uncorked a Dental Flashback

Someone left this bottle of wine at my house after a party. I hope they meant to leave it, because I can’t remember who it belongs to, so I’m opening it and giving it a try . . .

Simply Naked
Unoaked Cabernet? What’s up with that?

OK, I get the premise. Without adulterations from oak, you get a more pure reflection of the grape variety. In theory.

Strike One: Aarrggh! It has a synthetic cork. I hate synthetic corks. If you’re going to use a cork to close your wine, use a real one. Or use a screw cap. I’ve made my peace with screw-caps.

Strike Two: It’s Cabernet Sauvignon, and it’s in a clear bottle. I get it, clear is pure. But it feels wrong.

Seems a little thin in the glass — it’s almost too bright. Nose is medicinal and metallic, like someone drizzled Cherry-flavored Nyquil over an SOS pad. I let my 11-year old daughter give it a sniff (yes, I’m that mom) and she said it smelled like a ball of aluminum foil. Truth, out of the mouth of tweens.


Strike Three: It tastes bad. I’m flashing back to cherry-flavored fluoride treatments at the dentist. The ones with the foam trays. Shudder. An instant headache behind my left eyeball. Someone bring me a Bud Light.

Geez, I feel like one of those soul-crushing judges on an episode of Top Chef. I really hate to hate wine . . . really. So I will say this about Simply Naked: the little grape on the label is adorable!

Salud!

Spice up your next party with our FREE wine tasting guide! Learn what to look, smell, and taste for while appreciating your favorite bottle. We’ve also included a printable tasting notes template and a tasting wheel.

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