Simply Bad: I Uncorked a Dental Flashback

Someone left this bottle of wine at my house after a party.  I hope they meant to leave it, because I can’t remember who it belongs to, so I’m opening it and giving it a try  . . .

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Unoaked Cabernet?  What’s up with that?

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OK, I get the premise.  Without adulterations from oak, you get a more pure reflection of the grape variety.  In theory.

Strike One:  Aarrggh!  It has a synthetic cork.  I hate synthetic corks.  If you’re going to use a cork to close your wine, use a real one.  Or use a screw cap.  I’ve made my peace with screw-caps.

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Strike Two:  It’s Cabernet Sauvignon, and it’s in a clear bottle.  I get it, clear is pure.  But it feels wrong.

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Seems a little thin in the glass — it’s almost too bright.  Nose is medicinal and metallic, like someone drizzled Cherry-flavored Nyquil over an SOS pad.  I let my 11-year old daughter give it a sniff (yes, I’m that mom) and she said it smelled like a ball of aluminum foil.  Truth, out of the mouth of tweens.

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Strike Three:  It tastes bad.  I’m flashing back to cherry-flavored fluoride treatments at the dentist.  The ones with the foam trays.  Shudder.  An instant headache behind my left eyeball.  Someone bring me a Bud Light.

Geez, I feel like one of those soul-crushing judges on an episode of Top Chef.  I really hate to hate wine . . . really.  So I will say this about Simply Naked:  the little grape on the label is adorable!

Salud!

21 comments

  1. True, it is adorable but the name? I think it’s brilliant!!! Of course according to someone who does not drink red wine (strike four and yes, I’m that woman! ;-)) As to your daughter, I personally think that kids’ nose should be educated as much as their brain. 🙂

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  2. Awesome review!!! 🙂
    I totally loved the descriptors (“cherry-flavored Nyquil over an SOS pad” is genius!) and the effort to come up with at least one good thing about it 😀
    Anyway, one of the reasons for not using clear glass for reds is that tinted glass helps protecting them from the harmful effects of the light during the aging process, so… what were they thinking???

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  3. Loved reading this and thanks for the follow. Look forward to reading more of your blog, I got a real kick out of this one. Factual and fun – got more than one giggle at the expense of this failed cab.

    Like

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