Simply Bad: I Uncorked a Dental Flashback

Someone left this bottle of wine at my house after a party.  I hope they meant to leave it, because I can’t remember who it belongs to, so I’m opening it and giving it a try  . . .

Unoaked Cabernet?  What’s up with that?

OK, I get the premise.  Without adulterations from oak, you get a more pure reflection of the grape variety.  In theory.

Strike One:  Aarrggh!  It has a synthetic cork.  I hate synthetic corks.  If you’re going to use a cork to close your wine, use a real one.  Or use a screw cap.  I’ve made my peace with screw-caps.

Strike Two:  It’s Cabernet Sauvignon, and it’s in a clear bottle.  I get it, clear is pure.  But it feels wrong.

Seems a little thin in the glass — it’s almost too bright.  Nose is medicinal and metallic, like someone drizzled Cherry-flavored Nyquil over an SOS pad.  I let my 11-year old daughter give it a sniff (yes, I’m that mom) and she said it smelled like a ball of aluminum foil.  Truth, out of the mouth of tweens.

Strike Three:  It tastes bad.  I’m flashing back to cherry-flavored fluoride treatments at the dentist.  The ones with the foam trays.  Shudder.  An instant headache behind my left eyeball.  Someone bring me a Bud Light.

Geez, I feel like one of those soul-crushing judges on an episode of Top Chef.  I really hate to hate wine . . . really.  So I will say this about Simply Naked:  the little grape on the label is adorable!

Salud!