MWWC#9: Wine, Women and [a little bit] Wrong *

I’m a woman.  And I love wine.  But you will never hear me refer to myself as a wino.  And definitely never a wineaux.  [Palm to face].

We’ve all seen the wine jokes that fly around Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest.  Some of them are cute, some of them are funny.  Then came the avalanche of wine jokes, and a scary trend — more and more of the jokes are about women, and (even scarier), wine. At first, I jumped on the bandwagon.  Hahaha!  That’s so funny (she says, unconvincingly).  LOL (eye-roll). But then I started thinking (maybe over-thinking).  And now I’m just cringing.

Important Disclaimer:  I realize there are tons of folks out there who find these jokes gut-stitch funny.  If you’re one of them, promise me we can still be friends after you’ve finished reading this.

Why aren’t I laughing?  Because, more and more of the jokes send this message: Women who drink wine are uncontrollable booze hounds who can’t survive the rigors of life without climbing into a bottle of wine.  A woman who drinks wine isn’t drinking to enjoy life, a woman who drinks wine is drinking to numb life.

What in the name of Bacchus is going on here?

Exhibit #1:  Kathie Lee and Hoda (not so much joke as schtick).  Kathie Lee and Hoda aren’t funny — they’re gross.  Those two have turned the joy of drinking wine into an eternal, early-morning frat party.  Pssst!  Chugging wine with a crazy straw at 10am every morning doesn’t make you a wine lover.  It makes you a lush. I realize some people find them hil-AR-ious, but not me.  I don’t ever want to be lumped in with their kind of ass-hattery.

True Confessions:  Unless I’m sick, I drink wine every day.  But a glass of wine, maybe two.
Not six.  I drink wine for many reasons, but “get drunk” isn’t one of them.  I’m 43 years old — I’ve self-actualized.  And I know this much is true:  being drunk isn’t fun.  Or funny.  And having a hangover sucks.  Have I ever watched the clock all day waiting for “wine time”?  Frequently guilty.  Have I ever not stopped at two glasses?  Extremely frequently guilty.  But then I started getting headaches after two glasses of wine, which I took as my body’s way of saying, “knock that shit off”.  So I did.

Because I love wine.

I respect the grape.

I’ve never considered myself a feminist.  Honestly, feminists scare me a little.  But this is the first time I’ve thought that as women, we shouldn’t find this crap funny.  Compounding the issue:  I suspect most of these jokes are written by women for women — we’re doing this to ourselves.

So I’m begging you, ladies.  Stop it with the let’s drink wine and get drunk jokes.  If you need to get drunk, drink something else.  Stop dragging my beloved wine down with you.

Exhibits #2-12 (in no particular order):

Stumble where, exactly?  The Emergency Room?  An AA meeting?
Also, this slogan would look much better on a martini glass.

Alright.  Quick math lesson.  One “glass” of wine is supposed to be 5 ounces.  But let’s go with 6 ounces for the sake of honesty.  So 6 x 6 = 36.  Guess how many ounces of wine are in a standard 750ml bottle?  Just over 25.  So you’ve just had an entire bottle + another third. Unless you are a 300 pound man with the tolerance of Ernest Hemingway, your night is about to go something like this:  Wheeeee!  Whoa!  Bed spins!  Vomit!  Death-inducing headache!  Kill me!  No wait.  You’re right.  Six glasses sounds awesome.

If you need to get drunk in a bathroom at work, I hear vodka is excellent in that capacity.
Put the wine down, get out of the handicap stall, and get back to work before you get fired.

You couldn’t just leave it at “All Those in Favor of a Glass of Wine”??

You don’t need wine as much as you need an intervention.  And therapy.

College kids love it when mom shows up to play wine-pong with them.
You’re gonna be Instagram famous!

And we’re all judging you for your poor life choices.

Your standards for both wine and humor may need a little tweak.

What kind of wine are you buying?
Your kids obviously never needed braces . . . or shoes.

This woman is a Stephen King character waiting to happen.  Be afraid.

If wine makes you super drunk, just wait’ll you try Everclear.
The Avengers are gonna put you on speed dial.

[Yes, I know this is photo-shopped].  And I hope someone trips over the “stem” of this
glass and sends a tsunami of wine up this lady’s nose . . . that would be funny.

Maybe I’m the only one who thinks this bandwagon is a little bit scary — and I’m OK with that. But these jokes don’t make women look good, and they certainly aren’t doing wine any favors. I don’t want to be any of these women.  Ever.  I’m getting off this bandwagon.  And also my soapbox.

Because I love wine.

I respect the grape.

*This is my entry for the Monthly Wine Writing Challenge #9.  The theme for this month is:  Fear!   This was a scary essay to write.  My fear is I’m going to get deluged with “Chill out – can’t you take a joke?” comments.  And so I’ll give you my answer now:  Yes.  As long as the joke is funny.  And these jokes are funny’s cousin . . . not funny.

Salud!